Freelance Fluctuations
Sometimes I can't press "send" on an email. And sometimes I can direct a crew of 50 people!
Ahh, the ebbs and flows of freelance life. Nothing is ever permanent. Projects come and go. One month everything is falling apart, and a month later you’ve gotten the biggest opportunity of your life! One year you rake in the big bucks, and the next is the worst financial year you’ve ever had. 🤷🏼♀️
Yes yes, it’s a roller coaster. The lows can be really low and the highs can be exuberant.
My confidence also ebbs and flows…at times unrelated to how well I’m doing professionally. Sometimes I can do anything: I wake up ready to work on a film that will radically change the way we think about cinema! LFG!!!
And then sometimes I can’t send an email. I can’t ask for help, I can’t ask for what I want or what I need.
I will feel insecure about my writing or a project and then be on top of the world about it the next day: “What was I thinking, this is brilliant! I’m a genius!”
I’ll have bursts when I can be a go-getter. I’m able to reach out to anyone and everyone no matter if I think they “want” to hear from me or not. I’ll make creative choices that feel like I’m cracking open new parts of my brain. I’ll post about things, share what I’ve made. 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ Look at me go!!
The next week, I’ll be convinced that no one would ever want to hear from me: annoying and unimpressive me. I try to believe in myself, but sometimes I just can’t muster the energy.
How to deal with this?? I guess you have to have faith that moods will pass, things will change. This freelance life is decades-long masterclass in patience. “Success” in all of this can’t be the goal. It’s so fleeting, and the second you hit the top gravity is there to pull you down (lol like a roller coaster). The goal has to be building a fulfilling and interesting life, an enjoyment of creativity itself, so that in the times when the roller coaster is low, it’s still a pleasure to be on the ride.
I’ve also learned that when you are feeling down/insecure/lost it’s time to approach things in a new way — there’s no set path and in that way there’s always a back door. If you’re hitting your head against the wall over and over again…maybe it’s time to rethink the plan, or take a few days off. Or call a friend and get a pep talk (hi, Sasha!).
Ryan and I often lament the feeling of freelance limbo. You’re not quite sure how to move something along, what to do, how to create or where to find the next job. It can feel paralyzing!
This idea of confidence in the face of the “long unknown” is another reason why I love tennis (YES WE ARE BACK TO TENNIS). Sometimes players pull off miracles and sometimes a big player loses to a nobody who just believed they could win. It’s so relatable to me and inspiring to see people fight when it otherwise would seem hopeless.
Case in point: Just last week at the Shanghai Open, Val Vacherot, ranked #204 in the world, flew to Shanghai as an alternate, in the case that someone would drop out and he could enter the qualifiers. He gets lucky and it happens. He wins the qualifiers, gets into the main draw. Something clicks and he takes off — along the way beating #14 Alexander Bublik, #11 Holger Rune, and #4 Novak Djokovic — winning the final (against his cousin no less!!!), so much money, the biggest title of his career, and breaking into Top 100 to place him in a whole new league.
I collect little sayings, photos, screenshot inspiration to look at when I hit the limbo, or the low points. I will literally save nice things that people have said about something I’ve made, filing it away for inevitable days when I know I’ll need a boost. I write down inspirational quotes or screenshot them to my desktop:
Being shameless is a superpower! - Someone online
Everything you’ve ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear. - George Addair (who is this even? I saw it painted on a wall somewhere)
You work for the world. - Charlie Kaufman
A film has a habit of getting made if you never stop making it. - or something like that, from Brady Corbet
I think about the mental aspect, and end up writing about this a lot, because this is the hard part of being a filmmaker. The directing, writing, filming, editing — that’s the easy part, that’s the joyful part! The day-to-day of getting to those moments is the tricky part. It’s not brain surgery, I’m not saving lives or children here, but I think good art is really important and it’s only going to get made if we keep at it.
I’d love to hear your techniques for staying on track, feeling confident, keeping the faith when working on long-term projects! 🎢